


I wanna love you (Over and over again)

by orphan_account



Series: And I will love you anywhere [2]
Category: GOT7, Jus2
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24454957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In which BamBam tells, because he's never been good at keeping his mouth shut, and he just wants someone else to hurt with him. And they were right, death happens to the ones around you, not yourself.(Alternatively: The aftermath of Yugyeom's death, how they cope and what they misunderstand.)
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Kim Yugyeom, Kim Yugyeom & Everyone
Series: And I will love you anywhere [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766086
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here we see a sequel (self indulgent, so if you preferred the ambiguous ending just don't read this one) because a total of two people wanted it. So I decided on going through with it!
> 
> Here it is.

Mark was the first to see.

He knocked, of course, but the maknae didn't respond. He chuckled to himself then, finding the situation amusing.

Needless to say, he changed his mind as soon as he saw.

He didn't understand what it was. There were flowers. There was blood. There was bile. But what about Yugyeom? Mark had flicked the light switch, scanning the room, then breathed a sigh of relief. Yugyeom was still wrapped up in his sheets, his cellphone in a limp grip next to him, and he looked peaceful. He looked relaxed, for perhaps the first time since their comeback preparations started.

Mark let him sleep in, for just a little longer.

Which is why he was here now, under a mess of blankets and hoodies, staring at the wall. The 'what if's clogged his mind; it was the only thing he could think about. 

_What if I had shook his shoulder? What if I was stricter? God, Jaebum would've been stricter. He would've realised. He would've done something. Anything._

It consumed his every waking moment. He couldn't find the strength to stop hurting. He was supposed to be the eldest, the one in charge of the maknae in the dorm and when Jaebum wasn't around. 

_How did I not realize something was wrong? He wasn't breathing. There was blood on the ground, Mark Tuan, how did that not raise red flags for you?_

Thinking back, he didn't quite know why he didn't do anything. Maybe it was the stress of the upcoming comeback, or maybe it was that Yugyeom had been so, so tired lately and his heart just couldn't say no to a few extra minutes. He just didn't know, and no answer seemed to fit just right. All he knew was that exactly 4 minutes and 31 seconds after leaving his room, he went back to wake him up and finally realised something was deeply wrong. He didn't how he didn't miss the lack of soft breathing the first time, but he certainly didn't the second time around.

He had scoffed, scoffed because it was just another one of the maknae's ploys to get out of vocal practise. That was it. That was definitely it.

And so he shoved him, jokingly, lovingly, then even chastised him for keeping the air conditioning on.

But the air conditioning wasn't on.

* * *

BamBam knew the whole time.

Of course he did. The maknaes were inseparable, partners in crime, best friends, brothers. And surprisingly to the hyungs, he took Yugyeom's death a lot easier than they ever thought he would.

"I listened to him die. I told him it was going to be okay, and it is." He said with a nonchalance that felt far too flippant, almost disrespectful.

"You what?" 

"I listened to him die. Just this morning, at exactly-" he pulled his phone out to check "-5:41 this morning. It was quiet, and he didn't suffer-"

Jackson rose to his feet, anger roiling off of him. "The doctors said it was lung failure! Lung failure and he literally choked on his own blood, how can you sit here and say he didn't suffer?"

"Ah. Is that what they said? Lung failure?" He laughed to himself. "Well they're not exactly wrong." He slumped backwards on the sofa, staring blankly at the ceiling, still shaking with laughter.

The hyungs looked at him, then at each other, and he knew what they were thinking - he was going insane. But no, he could safely say he was perfectly lucid and present. Far too lucid, in fact. Everything leading up to the death was a whirl, far too drawn-out and at the same time far too short. And yet, and yet, when it finally happened all BamBam could think about was how he _relieved_ he was to have it finally be over it. 

It was messed up to feel comfort in the death of your friend, but it was just too exhausting. Yugyeom, as much as he hated to say it, was exhausting to watch as he slowly faded away.

Youngjae placed a shaky hand on his shoulder. "Look, I understand the need to cope but you can't-"

"He was in love," BamBam said, ignoring everything around him. "He was in love, and it killed him, you know? Those flowers in the mangas we read, they're real. They're real and they grew inside of him. Just in his lungs. Poof, like magic." Giggles, because how funny was that word? "There they were, growing from human flesh and stupid human emotions. All because he loved."

"You're not thinking clearly, are you talking about hanahaki? That's not real, Bam."

"He loved so much." Ah, there came the waterworks. "He gave up his life for some man that didn't deserve him. I hate sunflowers. I hate them. I hate them. I hate..." He trailed off, choking on a sob and buried his head in his hands. he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. "He told me months ago, and I didn't do anything because I-I was too exhausted from having to care. Do you know how miserable it is to have to watch your friend die? I hate Yugyeom. I hate him for making me watch. I hate him for making me know, and then making me care. I hate him, hyung."

"I don't know what to say." Youngjae's hand slipped. 

And it seemed no one did either.

* * *

Youngjae put the pieces together.

It was just a short message. 

_Come to the dorm, it's an emergency._

Perfect grammar, as expected of Jinyoung. But emergencies didn't happen often, so he turned down his brother's offer of breakfast and drove himself over to the dorm. 

What shocked him was the bundle on the couch. It was huge. It took up the entire space, covered in a few old blankets Jaebum didn't want to keep.

What also shocked him was Mark and Jinyoung. They were sat at the kitchen table, holding onto each other while mugs of tea went ignored, cooling slowly.

"Hyung? What's wrong?"

Mark broke down into tears, and Jinyoung sighed, patting the eldest gently. "I think it's best if you see for yourself."

Youngjae looked back at the bundle, then at the pair, and swallowed loudly. Approaching the couch slowly, he slowly pieced it all together in his mind. His vision tunneled; his hands clenched at his sides; his mouth felt unreasonably dry.

_Where was Yugyeom?_

* * *

Jinyoung found out because of a dead pulse.

The first thing he did? Turned off the stove.

It might've seemed trivial to care about such an insignificant detail when someone was screaming like their life depended on it, but safety was safety, and it was only an extra second or two. And truth to be told, he didn't really think it was that important, more exasperated than frantic. Years of living with these idiots made him impassive, far too impassive, and at that very moment, he really didn't think it was that big of a deal.

But he still hurried after that, because to walk after the continued noise seemed just a touch too...narcissistic. So he ran, if not for concern then for his own image.

"Hyung? What is it?" Jinyoung wrapped his body around the door frame, skidding to a halt. "Is everything okay?"

Mark was on the ground, choking between sobs, frantically shaking Yugyeom.

A quick glance around the room proved to be no more helpful than his eldest hyung at the moment, because flowers and blood were just a strange combination that yielded no results. Flowers? Really? But the blood was concerning, especially since a small trace of it clung stubbornly to the inner most part of the maknae's lips.

"Hyung?" He slowly approached the two. "You're scaring me now. What is it?"

No answer.

Jinyoung kneeled down, grabbing Yugyeom's hand gently. He seemed to be fast asleep, except...

"Oh god." He clamped his free hand over his mouth, his other slowly loosening its grip. "Should we call an ambulance?"

Mark shook his head. "Too late," he said, voice hoarse and grainy. "Too late, 'Nyoung."

* * *

Jackson laughed it off.

_Oh, Jinyoungie, you have to stop threatening Yugyeom some day._

He only glanced at the text popping up in his notifications before swapping back to his Instagram. It was just a joke. It was how their dynamic worked. It was fine. But then, he thought about it a little bit more. The way it was worded didn't sit right with him. And so he clicked into the message, and read it more carefully this time around.

_Something happened to Yugyeom, could you come over?_

It was probably just him overthinking things, and if he showed up to the dorm all worried, they would be sure to laugh at him for years to come.

He fought the urge to go over, he really did, but after another five minutes of sipping his milkshake he realised the potential humiliation of variety show blackmail was nothing compared to his own peace of mind, for the well being of his members.

The whole way over, he muttered under his breath senselessly. "I swear this better not be a prank." But his heart wasn't in it, because if it were really serious, then what would that mean?

Well, it turned out that what it meant was seeing his brother, his friend no longer with him. That's what it meant.

* * *

Jaebum was angry.

At who? At himself? At Mark? At BamBam? At this mystery guy?

He was mad at everyone, frankly, and Yugyeom too, because how dare he not say anything? Yugyeom was so selfish that convinced himself he was selfless, when in reality all he did was strip everyone of a chance to get used to it. He stripped everyone of a chance to say goodbye, and now all they had was a corpse and a lifetime ahead of them without _him._

BamBam's little speech didn't help the situation, because clearly he was so stricken with grief he had gone off the deep end, talking about fantasy flower diseases created for plot convenience and acting all high and mighty. Because how dare he be so...humane?

As a leader, he wasn't allowed to express his hatred. As a leader, he wasn't allowed to mourn. He just couldn't, even if he was so confused the last thing he wanted to do was explain to management why they were one member short right before a comeback.

Yet all he could think about, amidst the stress of it all and the devastation, was _Yugyeom likes men?_ Well he certainly liked one man enough to die for him, if BamBam was anything to go by. And if he knew anything about hanahaki, it meant it was unrequited as well.

His sweet, innocent maknae, in love? So in love that he caused all this?

No. That wasn't possible.

_Wake up, Jaebum, what kind of sick f*ck are you to dream about something like this? Wake up. **Wake up.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self-indulgence is a cruel mistress, and because I've been there for every single open-ended fic, I will provide with more angst! Enjoy.

BamBam knew. Not just about the illness, but who it was for.

Their reverent leader Jaebum had become the object of the maknae's affections.

He didn't really know what to do with this information, nor did he really know how to cope with his friend's death. The initial sense of freedom it gave him faded away, leaving him with nothing but grief, grief that sank into his bones and aged him infinitely. So he started drinking.

In the bathtub, on his bed, at the dining table, it didn't matter where it was in his home - everything was covered in bottles, all empty or close. Nothing to signify an accomplished, established, beloved idol. Nothing. Just an empty shell of a man who lost his best friend and can't seem to cope because the memory of Yugyeom haunted him.

BamBam sobbed on the ground, slamming his head back against the wall when it got too much, as if it weren't always too much. 

It was simultaneously easier and harder when they were gathered at the dorms, easier because of the supervision and company, harder because of the supervision and company, that and the memories. The dorm reeked of Yugyeom's presence. His belongings had been sent back to his family, his closet cleared out, his room stripped and bare, but it was the small nuances that clung onto the apartment and refused to let go - it was the mug that was Mark's but he used anyways; it was the stray pieces of jewelry the found in nooks and crannies when they least expected it; it was the group picture of them from debut sitting on the kitchen counter. It was hell, one Jinyoung couldn't take. He moved out and was crashing in a hotel until he found a new place. Mark? Mark slept in Yugyeom's room, refusing to wash the sheets or the pillow cases, insisting that he can still sense him there, despite it being barren.

None of them were coping well, but BamBam took it the hardest.

The comeback was cancelled, and that only added to the pain of it all. No distraction. No cheering crowds. Just endless, endlessly torturing messages from the fans expressing their condolences. 

He glanced over at the door when it swung open, a set of keys dangling from a hand on the knob. He raised the bottle in salute to his _beloved_ leader, then threw it back. 

It shattered against the wall.

BamBam grabbed another, unscrewing the lid with bloodied fingers.

That too got shattered, this time against the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing, Mook? Just exactly what are you doing to yourself?"

BamBam laughed, then patted the space next to him. Surprisingly, Jaebum took the offer and settles down beside him, long legs stretched out on the ground. "I don't know. Do you know?"

Silence. "I think you're giving up."

"That's what he did."

Jaebum turned to him. "We all heard what you said, on the day. You said that you knew all along, that you hated him for telling you. Well let me ask you this, how lucky do you think you are to be the last person to ever hear his voice? You witnessed the last moments of his life, and I would kill to have that."

"Would you?" He gulped down another mouthful, his throat suddenly dry. "Because I don't feel that lucky, witnessing my friend die, having to hear the life bleed out of his voice." He laughed around the lip of the bottle. "Lucky my fucking ass."

"Well that's not an excuse for you to waste away. You can't-"

"Watch me. Don't pretend like you don't know. Jackson booked the first flight back to China. Mark is delusional. Jinyoung drowns himself in cleaning, to the point where he had to get an IV for overworking. Youngjae is trying too hard to make us happy. And you?" He poked the man in question. "You busy yourself trying to fix something that can't be fixed. You don't just bring someone back. You don't just get over it either. So just let yourself grieve, will you? Here-" he passed over a bottle "-you need it."

Jaebum took it hesitantly, holding it between his thighs but made no move to drink from it. "You don't get time to grieve when you have to deal with management, Mook. You know what they asked? They asked if we should change the name to GOT6." He too, slammed his head back against the wall. "They said it like it was purely marketing too, like it was something inconvenient simply because it wasn't _catchy enough._ How do you even respond to that?"

"Fuck you?'

"I wish."

There they sat in silence, BamBam drinking more than his weight in beer and Jaebum slowly sipping from his. 

"You know, he loved you."

Jaebum looked confused by the sudden statement. "He loved us all, just as we loved him."

"No, no." At this point, he was so drunk he gave up trying to hide his speculations. "It was you. The flowers. Everything. It was you."

"This isn't something to joke about."

"It's not. God I wish it was, but it's not. He loved you to the point of death, and how does that make you feel?"

Jaebum grabbed BamBam by the chin. It was painful. It was humiliating. It was full of every ounce of anger he felt. "You think I don't know what you're playing at? Making me hurt isn't going to make you feel better, but you win, I guess. You pissed me off, so what now?"

"Oh it's not a game. I mean it. He loved you. You killed him because you didn't love him back!"

"So now it's my fault!" Jaebum loomed over BamBam now, on top of him, pinning down his body. "It's my fault he died, because he loved me? I can't control that!"

BamBam spat in his face. "He died because you didn't love him."

"I did!"

"Not enough." A cruel smile spread across his face when Jaebum's grip loosened, and his face fell. "And not the right kind."

It was a rush, pinning the blame on someone else. shirking all responsibility. And sure, a small part of him knew it wasn't his leader's fault, but it felt good to make someone else hurt, even for a little while. Now he understood why other people did the same - it was exhilarating, and he frankly hadn't felt this alive in years.

"I'm not even gay, how do you expect me to love him romantically?"

"It doesn't matter. You failed him." He jabbed a finger at his chest, successfully pushing him off. "He loved you, when he deserved someone so much better. You trapped him, that's what you did. You trapped him, and I would have done much, much better, because I did." BamBam stared right at Jaebum as lies flew out of his mouth. "I loved him, and I wouldn't have failed him"

Somehow, every lie was worth the look on Jaebum's face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So did Yugyeom actually love Jaebum? Yugyeom doesn't seem to think so, but BamBam, those flowers and now Jaebum himself seem to think differently. I think it's never that simple, but what do you guys think?


End file.
